Friday, 7 September 2012

Yes I'm educating my children. No, I don't have any rocket launchers.

Two (completely unrelated) laws in the UK:

1. Parents will provide their children with an education.
2. Rocket launchers will not be kept in your spare room. (OK I'm paraphrasing.)

*swirly screen and wibbly music while we imagine how life would be if number two were treated the same way as number one*

*knock knock*


"Hello. We're here to check you don't have any rocket launchers in your spare room."

"Er, what?"

"You're not enrolled on our council-run 'Don't Have Multiple Air-trajectory Weapons in the Spare Room Scheme", so we need to come in and check."

"Your what scheme??"

"DHMAWSRS. It's very successful, by our measures."



"Okaaay... why on earth would you think that I have rocket launchers in my spare room?"

"Cos you're not in the scheme. So we need to monitor you otherwise you could get some at any time."

"But surely if you've got no actual reason to believe I have, then that's enough?"

"Weeeell, yes, that's what the law says, but we really want to cover our backsides plus we reeeeally like being in control, so we're checking everyone not in the scheme. So we need to come in and check your spare room."

"Er, no. You're not coming in my house."

"You have to let us, we have the right to."

"Really? You legally have the right to come in my house and check for rocket launchers just on the offchance?"

"Okay no. Not really. But we want to and it would be the easiest way for us I think. Plus of course we're checking for rocket launchers, but there's always a danger you could have something even worse up there, like a vial of plague or something. Soooo..."

"No way, sorry, this is just weird. This is my private home and I don't have any rocket launchers."

"Not even in your spare room?"


"Well if you won't let us in you need to send us an annual report, with photos of your spare room, lists of reasons you don't have any rocket launchers in your spare room, any resources you use to continue not keeping any rocket launchers, and ways in which you plan to ensure that your spare room remains rocket-launcher-free."

"Are you kidding?"

"No, I'm completely serious. Unless we monitor this situation how on earth are we supposed to ensure that rocket launchers aren't being kept in spare rooms across the country? Make sure you get a photo of under the bed, can't be too careful."

"I'm not sending you one bloody report, let alone one every year!"

"Now now, don't overreact, the annual reports don't necessarily have to be yearly!"

"Well I'm not sending you one. What you gonna do about it?"

"Make you join our scheme."

*door slam*

*more swirly screen and wibbly music*

See, in both cases, the law's pretty simple. They have a duty to look into it if it appears you're breaking the law. Local Authorities really should stop pretending that it's any other way.

I'm educating my children. I don't have any rocket launchers. Unless you have any evidence to the contrary, leave me and other home educators alone for the first just as you would for the second.


  1. oh how I loved reading this lol

  2. I like the backtracking, how true that is.

  3. I *LOVE* you! That made me cackle out loud, while nodding and acknowledging the vital truth of it! I shall be referring anyone who doesn;t get why we don;t want to be registered and monitored and licensed to take care of our children to this blog!

  4. Absolutely wonderful. And so topical.

  5. Love it! We are moving to get away from our LA.

    1. Oh gosh :( I wish these people realised the massive impact they have on other people's lives!

  6. That was very funny, thank you for my morning giggle.

  7. i can't stop reading this. so true! the harrassment was immense for us until we moved county-we will not deal with the LEA again! thank you for this x

  8. Lol. Well said. Works for TV licenses too.