Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Holy baby poo, Batman!... or ... How an afternoon can go Horribly Wrong

So, there I was, humming an ear worm and wrapping (in an extremely timely manner thankyouverymuch) the kids' Christmas presents, while Sprout designed a Terraria map, Squidge slept, and Moppet happily worked her way through a plate of cucumber beside me.

When it happened. That sound that all parents will be familiar with. The sound of my darling daughter expelling what remained of yesterday's dinner into her nappy. Repeatedly. And at length. And then a bit more repeatedly. When they squint you can guarantee it's gonna be a stonker. She was squinting.

So, in the manner of an experienced parent, I check down the back of the nappy first. Oh dear. In our old days of disposable wipes this is what we would have termed a 'Ten Wiper'. In these new days of fabric wipes, a 'Two Wiper' I think. Maybe three.

Four wipes later, I give up on the no-longer-fresh nappy underneath her, and get out a second.

Nine wipes later, I turn round to get another wipe from the washing pile behind me. I turn back to... Oh god! The humanity! She has both dirty nappies and is smearing them across the floor. Leaping into action (well I say leaping, in my mind it was a burst-of-adrenaline-fuelled super-mummy-type leap, in reality more of a slightly-tired-tortoise lunge), I take the nappies with one hand and quickly clean up around her with the other. Phew! Disaster averted, sigh of relief breathed.

Lifting her out of reach of her stinky weapons of choice, I clean her up with another couple of wipes: bum, back... Wait what? Back? Oh crap. Check floor again, put her down to one side while I clean the ink blot test of the nappy world from where she'd been lying. *sigh*

Notice my hands are covered in her best work, run to bathroom to wash, run back, realise not only had I put her down beside the dirty nappies but I'd also committed the absolutely cardinal sin of leaving her... without a nappy on!

Clothes off, clean up new pee, smile in spite of it all at Sprout sticking his head round the corner and observing, "Holy baby poo, Batman!", unsmear re-smeared nappies, run out of wipes, whizz to kitchen to throw dirty nappies in the bin and get a wet cloth, run back, find baby delighting in chewing a pile of important forms I'd *just* organised, grab forms, realise forgot wet cloth, run back into kitchen, find puppy has pulled bin bag down and shredded dirty nappies into little pieces all over the kitchen floor, cry a little, get wet cloth, run back, put clean nappy on baby, dress baby in clean clothes, decide dog and baby have hatched secret plan to see if they can make my head actually spin round, put dog outside, shut kitchen door and vow never to set foot in there again...

Breathe... check for plagues of locusts and the like...

Decide I'd really better clean kitchen up, sit Moppet on floor outside door, clean kitchen, return to... nooo! Cat eating Moppet's cucumber, Moppet pouring Sprout's cup of water into her lap and Squidge wide awake and wrapping himself in jolly paper and Sellotape and joyfully informing me he's sellotaped off the access to the stairs until Handy Manny can fix them.

So... I need a coffee. And a new roll of sellotape.


  1. Oh sweety, add the Benny hill theme tune to that and i we have comic genius! We have all had those days! I have had a few recently with mimi M. I remember a fair few years ago when my little Ninja K was only 14 mths. Brand new carpet, left him on the floor on a mat to get a nappy from bathroom, little monkey found the sudocreme!! ARRGHHHH! Hope you're still smiling! xx

    1. Omg sudocrem that's a nightmare to get out!

    2. Flipping phone posting before I'm done... Yes still smiling :)